***Loooong post/rant ahead. You’ve been warned***

I desperately need to vent. I want to preface this by saying I know and understand so many people have it worse than I do. I am not trying to compare myself to anyone else, this is only my experience. I am sharing this in that hope that someone else can relate and we can maybe not feel so alone/unheard/unseen. 

As many of you know. I struggle with depression and anxiety, and have for most of my life. The depression is kept relatively at bay (shoutout to Pristiq!), but my anxiety is out of control (even WITH anti-anxiety medication added into the mix). 

Being with one or both of my kids around the clock for 15 months has totally and completely WORN ME OUT. There isn’t a minute in the day where they leave me alone. It is constant demanding, whining, fussing, fighting, crying, tattling, and OH MY GOD the “MOOOOOM?! MOM! MOM! MOM! LOOK AT ME! WATCH THIS! LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK! MOM! MOM!!! LOOK LOOK!,” and THE QUANTITY OF ENDLESSSSSS QUESTIONS. The repeating of requests over and over and over if I don’t get to them IMMEDIATELY. 

I start most days relatively jolly and I find myself in an hour or two becoming completely and irreversibly irritable and my anxiety shoots through the roof. 

This morning, for example, I allowed myself the luxury of sleeping until 8am. NO ONE WOKE ME UP! That, in and of itself, was a small miracle. I didn’t even have time to finish one cup of coffee before the demands started. 

W: I want to go on my scooter. 

D: OK, go on your scooter then. 

W: But I need you to put on my helmet!”

D: OK I will help you put on your helmet. 

*proceed to go out back to scooter*

W: This surface is too hard to scooter on, you said you would take me to the church parking lot to scooter!”

D: OK, well I am doing something right now you have to wait a couple of minutes.

W: *WHINE WHINE FUSS FUSS*

*load up the car and go to the church parking lot and scooter in the hot hot sun for 20 minutes*

W: I want to go get ice cream!
D: OK we can go get ice cream but we need to go home and ask your brother if he wants to come.

*go home and ask Jack if he wants to go. He does*

D: OK let’s go to Dairy Queen and Jack you are always hungry so while we are out tell me what else we can get to keep you satiated for 10 minutes. 

J: Taco Bell.

D: Sure.

W: I WANT THAT THING YOU KNOW THAT THING MOM THAT I LIKE THERE YOU KNOW WHAT MOM? ALSO MOM AT Dairy Queen I WANT VANILLA ICE CREAM IN A DISH NOT IN A CONE MOM YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT MOM RIGHT THE VANILLA ICE CREAM IN A DISH!”

D: Yep, I got it. I know.

*5 seconds pass*

W: MOM YOU KNOW MY ORDER RIGHT ITS VANILLA ICE CREAM IN A DISH. 

D: Yep, I know.

*3 seconds pass*

W: MOM???? I WANT THE VANILLA IN THE DISH. YOU KNOW RIGHT?

D: Yes, bud, I know.

*Pull into Taco Bell, notice our car is making very strange noises when turning the wheel. Our 2nd car (the one I luckily get to drive as my husband refuses to be seen in it) is OLD. I just dealt with repairs to our OTHER car the past week and still have to go back to the dealership 30 minutes away at some point this week or next and now I have to figure out this other car shit*

W: MOOOOOM? I WILL TAKE MY VANILLA ICE CREAM YOU KNOW RIGHT? 

D: I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

W: OK, just checkin! 

*After driving through Taco Bell and DQ, I think pull into Kroger to buy some groceries really fast, including protein bars for me to eat because I need things to eat that are FAST since these kids never ever leave me alone long enough to make myself something to eat. Drop a case of water in the parking lot, water bottle rolling everywhere*

W: MOM MOM CAN I EAT MY CHIPS NOW MOM CAN I EAT MY CHIPS?

D: Yes.

J: Mom, I am so stressed out and anxious lately I don’t know why I think I am just tired. 

D: OK, bud, we can talk about it if you want. 

J: I think I am just tired. I worry about the future.

*We talk about this for a minute. Finally we are on our way home and they never ever stop yacking the entire drive. As we pull into the driveway…”

W: MOM!!! DONT FORGET TO BRING IN MY SCOOTER. 

D: Walt, I first have to bring in the groceries and put them away.

W: OK BUT DONT FORGET TO BRING IN MY SCOOTER! 

*I walk in the house with an arm-full of groceries and start to put them away. It is almost 12 and I haven’t had anything yet to eat. I am starving.*

W: MOOOOOOM?!

I angrily yell “WHAT!!!”

W: MOM! LOOK LOOK LOOK AT WHAT I DID WITH MY SOCK MOM LOOK LOOK!”

D: Walt I can’t look right now I am putting away the groceries. 

W: YOU CAN LOOK FROM THERE MOM. LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK!

*Look up to where he is pointing and he flung his sock into the hanging light in the entryway. It’s high up there.*

D: Cool.

W: YOU GOTTA GET IT DOWN, MOM!

D: Yeah, I figured that. 

*10 minutes pass*

W: MOM YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN MY SOCK DOWN YET!

D: Yeah, I know. 

This has been every day. EVERY. DAMN. DAY. For 15 months. We had to turn Walt’s bedroom into Matt’s office so he doesn’t even have a bedroom which means…HE SLEEPS WITH ME EVERY NIGHT. If I try to sneak downstairs in the early evening to be alone for a bit, he comes downstairs all *TA DA!! DIDJA MISS ME?!* No, dude. No I did not.

There are no breaks. None. At night, when Matt is done working, I am far too tired to leave the house let alone make plans to do anything outside of it. On the weekend, it’s usually assembling shit, or cleaning, or running errands, or whatever else I couldn’t get to during the week because, well, kids. I am green with envy at people who get regular breaks from their kids. I have been running on empty for so long, and having Covid last July and being a long-hauler until approximately Jan/Feb of 2021 didn’t help matters. Then I had a reaction to the shot in early April and was ill again for another month. The fatigue since July 2020 when I had Covid was UNREAL. Luckily since about early May I have been feeling much better.

*hold on Jack just walked in and said.

J: I have a question.

D: (irritably) WHAT??

J: What is Walter…

*zones out on his device*

D: What is Walter what?

J: Where’s Walter?

D: Downstairs.

OK, anyway, as I was saying, I AM BURNT THE FUCK OUT. I am an introvert and if I do not get regular time to myself and some peace and quiet I feel ill. My cup is so empty that the cup itself has now eaten away at itself and that, too, is gone.

Am I alone in feeling this way? Am I the only one out there who feels like this? How do people LOVE this? I also feel stupid for heading into each day sort of happy/jolly/hopeful to become a completely anxious/irritable witch within 1-2 hours.

I am not looking for advice, I have gotten it all. Take a walk! Take a break! Ignore them! Do yoga! Drink tea! It isn’t possible for me to take a break, Matt works all the time and it’s just me who can take care of the kids. How do those of you who are on your own with your kids get breaks? How do you have energy to do things at night? I need a break that doesn’t consist of being with other people or the break being running errands. I would like to be able to somehow take a break in my own house. If I left the house to take a break, where would I even go? Now, whenever I leave the house, my anxiety is so high I can barely tolerate it.

I don’t know. I really don’t know. Just tell me I am not alone.